The TENS Device

 

Ever hear of, or use a TENS device? It stands for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation, so I guess you can see why the short version is popular. They're an electrical device that have pads that you apply to an area of your body that has muscle or joint pain, and it applies a pulsating current to that area to help dull the pain and increase blood circulation.

They are an over the counter device now, but in times past, you got them by prescription (or so I'm told) from a doctor or chiropractor. I'm also told that the prescription variety really packed a powerful punch.

Which leads us to our story. This was related to me by one of the pilots that I worked with in the mid 2000's. He is quite a raconteur, and I hope I can do this some measure of justice. Also, I'm not naming any real names in this one, so what names you will see are made up.

My pilot friend had been having some back issues, and had been seeing a chiropractor on his days off. The doc had sold him the TENS to take back to the boat, to help out with his back issues while he was away at work.

So, the pilot is at the end of his watch one afternoon. The captain is in the wheelhouse, and the two of them are discussing what is going on and just shooting the breeze in general. Also noodling around up there is one of the deckhands, who is cleaning up and making coffee. Let's call him Jimmy.

Jimmy is one of those people that sometimes make you wonder how they manage to stay alive. You know the type; the “do before thinking” people, the “hold my beer and watch this” crowd. In the time that he worked with me, the props on our twin outboard yawl kept getting chewed up, and I kept replacing them, until the day we did a crew change, and I finally saw what was happening. We were in the crew van, getting ready to leave, and Jimmy was going back to the boat. He had the yawl in shallow water, the other two guys were trying to push with the oars, and Jimmy was still trying to power his way out of this; both outboards were bouncing up and down on the rocks... (He is also the only person I ever knew who talked himself into a speeding ticket.)

Anyway, pilot and captain are still chatting, and Jimmy is cleaning. He starts wiping down the desk, and spots the TENS device, so he asks, “What the heck is this”? The pilot gives him a short summary of what it is and what you use it for. Jimmy doesn't ask any questions, but as soon as the rundown is over, he starts attaching the pads to his upper arm to try it out. He twists the level control all the way up, and is looking for the ON switch. The pilot says, “I don't think that I'd do that, if I were you...”

Famous Last Words Department.

Jimmy says, “It's only a nine volt battery, how bad can it be?”, and he flips the switch...

WHAM!!

 

The first jolt of electricity arrives on the scene, and Jimmy has placed the pads in such a way that the electricity is passing through his bicep. The muscle does what muscles do when confronted with a blast of juice, and it contracts. Violently. Jimmy's arm flies up, and he hits himself in the face! WHAM! Another jolt, another hit! WHAM! Again! He lets out a yell, and the captain and pilot turn around, and goggle at what's going on, and they jump into action.

By now, Jimmy has punched himself in the face several times. He's staggering around, yelling, trying his best to avoid his own fist, and not always succeeding. The captain runs over, and grabs Jimmy in a bear hug, doing his best to get control of that zombie arm. He gets him partially pinned, and the pilot grabs one of the lead wires, and yanks the pad off of Jimmy's arm. He shuts off the TENS device, and takes off the other pad.

“Well, dumdum, did you learn anything? “Yeah”, he pants, “How the HELL can they make a nine volt battery do that to you??” The pilot replied, “I was hoping you'd say that you had learned to listen to other people when they were trying to give you a warning!”